>>32979298
i won't be able to understand your situation perfectly but i was really depressed in college, and i would just not study or pretend to study and then completely bomb exams and then that cycle would keep snowballing.
>feel guilty
>don't do anything
>bomb exam
>feel guilty
>repeat
It sucks.
>And during that time, to compensate for the guilt, I study stuff not related to the courses I take to sort of tell myself ”i’m studying, or doing something”.
I sometimes did that because in my mind i needed to understand the previous material and catch up as this sort of like fucked up perfectionist kind of mindset even though i was so behind on everything. Like part of me really wanted to learn everything but I couldn't will myself to actually do it. I remember getting like 50% on some exams. I had to retake classes to pass I think, but it's hard to remember a lot of what happened
I just barely got my degree too, I remember I forgot to go to class for a month and I would sleep in my lab coat covered in all sorts of awful shit and blood and I had tons of moldy paper coffee cups everywhere in my room. I had a meal a day for a while, I just didn't want to eat or study or live. I cheated on all my exams in the end just to pass-- everything was online during the last couple months due to covid so nobody found out and there were no effective anti-cheat systems up at the time. I was also on a track to continue schooling but I dropped out because I just couldn't function as a human being. Ended up living with a friend for a year in a rural area, just trying to figure out if i wanted to live and what my options were. if you have the ability to, i would take a break and then really try to figure out what you want to do. If you can reach out to anyone at school or a therapist or someone, i would try that too before going anywhere. I received therapy from my school for a bit before i left and it helped.
anons mentioned lifestyle stuff i'm sure and that all will help too imo

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I don’t know what to do anymore, everything is just gray and sad in my life. I’ve been isolated for so long with no friends, i’m a 22 year old shut-in…