>>80988403
>1 - 9.
Re-reading these lines, you've established some ideas but then haven't continued them. Lines 1 - 3, i was a bit confused on what was happened, granted the scene is chaotic, but at first i thought they were outside, then they were inside, then they ran outside.
Another thing i would be adding, since tears are evaporating, everyone should be out of breath, sweating.
>11. Even Sarah, the infant
Remove this, you've already established she's a child. It should read as:
:'Sarah could see that her father was in desperation'
>13.
All of this needs to be re-written. At the end you've established it's a man, when i was reading it i thought it was some sort of ufo/tripod alien thing and then nuh-uh it's actually a super hero.
>15.Sarah lost sight of the flying man as her father led them down a secret staircase only fisherman knew about.
How'd she know that? You're writing from her pov. I would change this altogether.
>15.
Honestly it's poorly written, feels like you're jump cutting and we're missing a lot of info. This would be a good part to have more detail. You haven't established what characters are down in the cove with them, so when you say,
:'Sarah watched innocently as the man put a shining thing in her mother's belly" who are you talking about? How many people were down there with them? You don't need to write what what magic they are using or anything like that, but describe their actions.
>17.Sarah and her mother were the only ones in the boat. As the boat sailed away from the city, Sarah could see the eye, fire, and the flying man. They burned into her memory for the rest of her life.
The fuck happened to her father? He just never existed?

I'm hoping this is a draft, the first of many. Because if it's your final 'piece' then it's just out right bad from a readers perspective. You've got the 'outline' of the story, like a guide to follow, you just gotta re-write some bits and pieces.

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